Well, it’s not a great mystery that eventually I reached a breaking point and when I did, I broke hard and fell into a deep dark depression.  Fortunately, I can look back now and see this moment as a profound turning point – a gift really (reaching the “bottom” of anything is ALWAYS a gift in some way).  But at the time, it certainly didn’t feel like a gift, or an opportunity, or even fair.  A gift it was nonetheless because when the foundations fall, there is really only one way forward – you have to rebuild.  In order to do that, I was going to have to DO THE OPPOSITE of what I had been doing … I was going to have to ACT as if I believed I was worthy of the gift of rebuilding which means - less numbing - less denying.  

When I finally decided it was time to “renovate", I reached out for help from a therapist.  And believe me, I am not an easy therapy patient – in fact I fought therapy pretty much every step of the way.  But I did ultimately learn why I crumbled and can finally say without shame or guilt …. I am the child of an alcoholic and I’ve carried, and continue to carry, all of the foundational trauma that that entails. It is no wonder I chose to numb through isolation - trust, self-worth and denial are the cornerstones of foundational trauma within the family unit of an alcoholic. Disassociation is a common go-to survival technique that had worked for me growing up but as an adult, it kept me attached to a childhood story and behavioral patterns that no longer served me and the life I desperately wanted to live. The hard truth is I never really learned to care for myself properly because I never felt worthy of care to begin with. Alcoholism is shrouded in shame, guilt and denial and those things become the “norms” you cling to when facing life. If I was going to dig myself out of those old patterns, I had to first own them.

I always feel a bit corny explaining my therapy experience, but I can sum it up simply by saying this – I was never in therapy to listen to my therapist’s voice, I was there to REMEMBER my own and to relearn how to listen to it.  My job in therapy was to reclaim ownership of my worth and to do so, I had to remember who I was before I stopped listening.  In other words, I began a pretty intense conversation with my younger self.  I asked her all the questions I needed answers to: “What do you want for yourself when you grow up?  Who do you want to be?  What do you want your life to include?  Family?  Career? Friendships?  Faith?  What do those relationships look like to you?  What does contentment feel like?”  It’s in the listening that the work began.  

As I opened my eyes to REMEMBERING, I was able to see for the first time that because of everything I had been through and who I had become, I had buried that little girl a long time ago.  I  had lost touch with what her dreams were, how she looked at life and who she wanted to be.

She was the voice that was abandoned …

She is the voice I used (and continue to use now) to reconnect to the world around me.

I first began taking early morning Pilates classes at a local studio about two days a week, which then turned into five days a week.  I loved the work so much that I decided to take a training to learn how to teach it.  Although I completed my training with Stacey Vargas at the Pilates Institute of Southern California in the summer of 2010, I didn’t really complete the training to actually teach, I took it because I wanted to learn more about the science of movement, the mind/body connection and how I could continue to cultivate that practice in my life.  

While in training, I volunteered to assist one of my Pilates teachers who at that time was studying myofascial release (or as some call it, Rolfing or Structural Integration).  I loved it so much as it added even more depth and understanding of the human body to what I had already learned.  It supported what was already becoming apparent to me in my therapy and movement practice – all the feelings that I was trying to RECONNECT to where also trapped in the fabric/fascia of my body and were causing chronic tension, pain and imbalance and with it, a reduced sense of function – not just physically, but mentally and relationally.  So I took the leap again and signed up to study myofascial release at the same school my Pilates teacher attended.

I spent the next year and a half studying the human anatomy and learning how the mind/body connection impacts the biomechanics of the human frame.  I worked and practiced the techniques taught to release malfunction in the body’s tissue from a truly holistic perspective and I explored with my own clients how feelings, beliefs and ideas about themselves can be trapped in the fabric of the body’s tissue and can keep them stuck in habitual movement patterns with a reduced sense of wellbeing.

I graduated from the New School of Structural Integration in September 2015 and after completing my education, I decided that in working as a practitioner, I wanted to include a movement element in my sessions that was more expansive then what I learned at NEWSSI.  I wanted to add movement elements in the body work sessions to reinforce the connection between what the body is capable of and the beliefs we consciously and unconsciously store in the mind.  So … I began experimenting on myself by taking yoga classes … A LOT of yoga classes.

My movement practice only flourished in yoga and as with Pilates and SI, it reinforced over and over again how connected my internal growth (i.e. worth) is to my physical foundation (i.e. expansion) - which is exactly what I sought out for my clients.  In order to teach yoga,  I completed my initial 200-hour yoga training in the summer of 2017 with Julie Rader and The Mukti Yoga School and then subsequently, completed more niche-like trainings after (including a 50-hour meditation training and a 50-hour yin training also with Mukti.)  I then completed an advanced 300-hour live training in November 2019 with Ashley Turner and her psychology-based method at Yoga-Psyche-Soul.

Finally, in the midst of my physical yoga training, I sensed that the last element that I wanted to address in my own wellness journey was nutrition.  I wanted to learn how to eat with a more holistic and intuitive approach, with more self-compassion and less shame, and I wanted to learn how nutrition is linked to other physical ailments, like stress management, sleep difficulty and hormone imbalance.  I knew this would be the final link in completing what I wanted not only for myself but for what I was now envisioning for my professional career.  So I took another leap and signed up to attend a one-year online program at the Institute of Integrative Nutrition.  I graduated from IIN in September 2018 and became a certified health coach.

Obviously, ten years is a long time and I had no idea that I would take the steps I took to learn how to heal.  It required a ton of exploration and self-reflection but I have come to believe that every step I took helped me pave the way through the challenges I faced.  Instead of denying my “stuckness,” I’ve now come to embrace it with more confidence and compassion and I have finally found a life-long practice that I rely on to reinforce my personal growth.

In order to do this though, I had to RECONNECT to my foundations using the tools of self-care to understand how I disconnected from them.  I know firsthand that it is during this transition that most people fester, stumbling about feeling lost and lonely, and ultimately unable to RECLAIM their health and wellbeing. 

If I’ve learned anything in my wellness journey, it’s that self-care is NON-NEGOTIABLE – it is part and parcel to our well-being.  Whatever trauma, disease, emotional trigger, life struggle we face – we cannot survive and thrive if we don’t also act to support and RECLAIM the care and keeping of our body and mind.  But I also know that self-care is not easy when you are alone and questioning what comes next.

It’s taken me ten years to get where I am today.  But I can say without hesitation or doubt that it is NOT necessary for any lifestyle pursuits to take that long to reinforce.  If I were to go back and relive the last ten years, I would only change one thing – to have a personal coach to share it with.  I would have loved to have had a person to challenge me when I fell back into my old behavioral patterns when it came to daily self-care … a person to regularly encourage me in my efforts towards my health goals … a person to recognize how hard I am working and validate my achievements when they occur.

This is why I do what I do – THIS IS THE PURPOSE THAT MY JOURNEY REVEALED - I want to be that person for all of YOU.